The God of hats


I think God probably wears a hat. This may sound odd at first, but hear me out. Don’t all great people through history wear hats? Abraham Lincoln? John Wayne? The Pope? Indiana Jones? All were hat wearers, and I think it’s pretty silly to assume God would associate with the non-hat-wearing crowd over these fellows.

Hats add importance to anyone in them. That’s why we make firemen and policemen wear them. If someone is wearing a hat you have a hard time ignoring their presence. I think this is a good strategy for God if He wants people to pay attention to what He has to say. If God were standing next to some random policeman, guess who would be getting all the attention? Of course, God could make a hat materialize from thin air, so I suppose what he wears to the office each day is of very little concern. That must save an immense amount of time getting ready in the morning. I wonder what He does with all that free time? But this isn’t a theological debate.

If God does wear a hat (and at this point I think you all agree with me He does), what kind of hat is it? It seems importance is directly related to the size of the hat one wears. For instance, your officer out on foot patrol wears a fairly simple, small cap. The police chief, on the other hand, wears a grandiose hat fit to raise koi in it if you flipped it over.

In church you have to take your hat off, but not if you’re the Pope. Instead he has a towering hat that looks like he has Tower of Pisa envy. I think you take your hat off in church so no one embarrasses the Pope with a bigger hat, and it would be embarrassing Can you imagine people wearing hats in church and the Pope coming by to greet and bless people, and you’re standing next to Carmen Miranda? I’d offer to help her lower her hat by eating a banana or two, because that way I wouldn’t be hungry and still be blessed–the best of both worlds.


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