Welcome to middle age


Less than a week ago when I turned thirty I didn’t realize I had reached middle age. Then I thought about it. Let this be a lesson kids, nothing good ever came of neurons firing.

What really jumpstarted this feeling was the trailer for the A Nightmare on Elm Street remake. I was sitting in a theater when it popped on screen and I had to pause to consider if my life had rolled over and started back at zero. See, I can recall seeing the original film in a theater as a kid. But here it was being sold to me again as new. Would I dare purchase a ticket again to an experience I’d had before?

This is what I don’t get about religions that believe in reincarnation. From one respect the Hindu belief that you recycle your way through life again and again until you get it right makes a sort of logical sense. This is also the basic premise for Super Mario Brothers. My issue more arises about why it has to be a new life? I figure I’m already starting my second time through and I haven’t even died once! It seems like the Hindu faith is telling me not only do I have to relive my life two or three times within this life, but then once I die I have to start all over again reliving my multiple lifetimes within one life. By the fourth time, when I come back as a dog, I should be on life 2,437. My life would essentially be Groundhog Day without the witticisms of Chris Elliott. What kind of life is it without Chris Elliott? None, so get a life (ask your friends).

Christianity isn’t much better at explaining my fate. I know that when I die I’ll be judged for the life I lived here on earth, but which one? Was it Life Prime where I saw the movie at 5, or Life Beta where I saw it at 30? I’d be pretty red in the face if St. Peter pulled out the wrong life file to judge me by. There’s probably some really embarrassing stuff I’ll do in one of these lives when I get bored enough. Trust me, I can only feign interest in Drumline the first two times through, and after that I’ll be phoning it in at best.

So, is maybe Alzheimer’s just old people’s way of coping with their fourth time through? I can imagine some diehard Democrats in forty years deciding that it’s better to not remember anything than to remember the first three Bush presidencies as they prepare for a fourth. Personally, I’m planning on forgetting my debts and most of what I know about getting older. I figure what I don’t know can’t hurt me. Plus, it’ll make the third remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street all the more surprising!


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