Burying the hatchet in someone


In life we’re allowed and even encouraged to speculate about many things. What job will I get? Who will I marry? How would I murder someone? Not so fast, Norman.

With Halloween rapidly approaching, I’m reminded of the fact that I’ve never murdered someone. This raises all kinds of issues, so let’s address them. First, this is exactly the kind of thinking that Christians who protest Halloween want to stop. Don’t worry; I have no intention of murdering a believer. It might even be one of those uncouth atheist types. Second, what do you mean reminded? Obviously I’ve thought about it before. Possibility in relation to you, though I’m not telling. Third, don’t you think discussing murder makes you look suspicious if someone turns up dead? On the contrary, I’m now the least suspicious. What kind of killer would openly speculate on murder mere hours before committing it? Sloppy.

All that aside, why am I not allowed to daydream about killing someone? Hunters daydream about stalking their prey. Cougars daydream about stalking younger men. How is murder any different? Sure, it’s a gross violation of another person’s basic rights, but so are karaoke and Axe Body Spray, and you still use them. I don’t actually want to kill someone, but it would be nice if someone walked into my office and asked what’s up, if I could reply truthfully. “Just thinking about murder. The cutting and the killing. Disposing of the body. That sort of thing. Did you get the report I sent you?” I bet they’d say yes even if they didn’t.

But it isn’t simply about intimidation. If you’re like me you’ve wasted nearly one third of your life watching Law & Order, even if by accident because you left the TV on while taking a nap and another eight hour marathon came on. Are we to believe that at no time in watching did you ever consider if you could do better? “Obviously you wouldn’t leave the receipt for the lye lying about. Amateurs.”

I’m not endorsing murder in any shape, form, or fashion. But if it did need an endorsement, would it be so wrong to imagine giving it one? Now would probably be a good time to thank all of our former readers on their way out.


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