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It’s the great hedonistic holiday, Charlie Brown

I for one am sick of Halloween. For years I’ve bitten my tongue on this subject, and in the process severely damaged it and possibly made myself anemic. So while I can’t speak out against Halloween, I can certainly write out against it.

Halloween today centers around young children playing dress up as imaginary characters and trolling around their neighborhoods interacting with the neighbors. What good can come of this? Bags of candy? A sense of community at a young age? An affirmed value in creativity? I call shenanigans.

Halloween is the day of the Devil. For one day a year (oh, and Secretary’s Day) the Devil gets his due. We all actively dress up in little demon and monster costumes and go pillage our communities for the sweet nectar of Beelzebub. He is quite pleased with this undertaking and it shows it by allowing Christ his own day, though nearly two whole months later. The Dark Price may be evil, but that doesn’t mean he can’t also be generous.

People may try to subdue the masses with animated cartoons about Great Pumpkins and fanciful princess costumes, but it all eventually comes back to Lucifer himself. If there were some mutated pumpkin capable of bringing children gifts, who do you think would be responsible? When Linus laments that “more people believe in Santa Claus than in you,” why does he seem so disappointed that others do not believe in his fringe deity? He even candidly admits he is two steps removed from God by comparing the Great Pumpkin not to Christ, but to Santa (a convenient anagram of Satan). This is one messed up child, and we have Halloween to thank for it.

You might think me extreme. This Halloween you will bob for apples and huddle under the covers during a scary movie marathon—just like every year. Meanwhile, I will sit in my lofty tower and watch as the earth burns below, and be saddened by the knowledge that the Great Pumpkin (or whatever name you give him) is quite pleased.