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The nerd’s guide to Valentine’s Day

The nerd’s guide to Valentine’s Day

The following article is meant solely for entertainment purposes. We do not offer any sort of guarantee along with the advice provided. Use at your own risk. And by risk, we mean getting slapped or having the cops called on you. Both seem likely.

Step 1: Getting the girl

Where are all the girls?
Look, it isn’t that girls don’t play video games or read comic books; it’s just that they don’t do so in disproportionately rabid numbers. So your local comic shop or GameStop is probably not the place to begin your hunt.

So where should I look?
Where do girls congregate?

The bathroom?
Stop it. That’s just creepy.

The makeup counter at Macy’s?
Do you loiter around Marines while they apply their facial camouflage? Nope? Probably impractical here, as well.

Then give me the answer!
Girls (they’d prefer you call them women) are everywhere. Move about the outside world. They’re 51% of the population. It’s nearly impossible not to find one! So, basically look in the world outside your cubbyhole.

Great, I found her! Now what?
Put your club away.

So, maybe my…?
Nope, Pokemon card collections and your Firefly fan fiction are also generally not the right approach. Will it work for some women? Sure, but we’re playing the law of averages here.

Fine, you tell me.
Talk to her, but mostly talk about her.

Because women are shallow, right?
Yes, much like the rest of life on earth. This is why you think your fan fiction is interesting and your cat thinks you have nothing better to do than pet it. People like to talk about themselves—embrace that aspect.

I talked to her. I got a date. Now what?
Step 2.

Step 2: The date

Should I bring her a gift?
Sure, it can’t hurt.

How about a binder of my Firefly fan fiction?
I was wrong.

What do you suggest?
Something simple. Don’t overdo a first date. A single rose works. It’s cheap and it doesn’t scream desperate like a two-ton box of chocolates may.

Oh, I’ll just save that for me later. What should I wear?
Put away the Dr. Who shirt.

What about my IT Crowd shirt that says “Have you tried turning it off and back on again?”
You get bonus points from me for it, but even a lot of nerds haven’t seen that show. Try again.

A tuxedo?
Seriously? Are you planning to wear her skin while dining on a nice Chianti and fava beans?

Top hat and monocle?
Again, this might be funny online but is mostly creepy.

A suit?
Maybe, but generally just jeans or slacks and a nice shirt.

Should I take her somewhere really expensive?
Is she rich? If not, she’s probably not used to dining at really expensive restaurants. It would actually be uncomfortable for both of you. Avoid Applebee’s and take her to a nice local place that doesn’t have colorable placemats.

Then what?
Step 3.

Step 3: After dinner and such

She said it’s getting late, so I should make a move, right?
It’s a trap!

What?! Because women are liars?
No, because you’re misreading her signals. Saying it’s getting late isn’t the same as saying you’re getting lucky. This isn’t an episode of Friends.

Then what is a good signal?
Is she offering a lot of praise for the date? How much fun she had? How she’d like to do it again?

She said she would read my Zoe and Kaylee slash fiction later…
Damn it! Put that stuff away!

Fine, she said the date went well.
Worth a shot.

Should I lick her teeth?
What? Why would you?

A guy told me one time that women dig it.
He was not your friend.

Should I ask her for sex?
Has sex been mentioned up to now at any point in the date?

No, well, she did mention her friend found out the sex of the baby she’s having.
Not a time to play semantics.

Then, no.
Then no.

But what if she did?
Hey, swing for the fences, friend.

Then what?
There are videos online if you can’t figure that part out. I’m sure you’re already intimately familiar with them.

Step 4: The morning after

The date bombed. What now?
Try again.

But she said never to call her again!
Not with her!

What if it went well?
Call her.

I’m not sure she’ll be awake at five in the morning.
Not now! Wait.

How long?
Do you actually want this to go somewhere? Wait maybe a day. If you want to play it smooth, maybe three days.

I saw a show once where they said a week.
Was that show How I Met Your Mother? If so, it was probably from the character Barney and you need to remember that character is written as a joke. And the actor playing him is gay. This is maybe not the best combination of advice.

But you are?
Nope, probably not. But hey, you’re the one asking for advice.