You know these people. You may be one or several of these people. The saying goes that, “Hell is other people.” Well, nowhere has more people than Facebook.
The Baby Shamers
These people love to post pictures of their children with food smeared all over their faces. These people find this “cute.” These people are wrong.
The inability to feed oneself is not cute or worth commemorating in photo and sharing with the world. Think of it this way, would you post photos of grandma in the nursing home unable to feed herself? No, it would bother everyone as they checked Facebook just before dinner.
The Religious Thankful
No, these people are not simply religious. These people take religion to an all-new bloodsport level. They can not post anything without mentioning God in some form.
Did they have a good day? Thank you, God. Did they get a flat tire? Isn’t it wonderful how God challenges us? Not a single thing happens in this person’s life that isn’t either a blessing or a challenge from God to unlock more blessings. Everything from taxes to gonorrhea has deep, spiritual meaning.
Everyone needs a hobby, and this person has found just about as obscure a hobby as can be imagined. No, go ahead and try. Stamp collecting? Too mainstream. Underwater basket weaving? Too hipster. Basically, this is the only person you have ever known who was remotely interested in this topic.
That’d be fine if they could resist sharing. Instead, despite the fact that none of their friends share their interest in this hobby that time forgot, they will share every obscure blog they find on the subject. No one will read these links, and eventually finding the hide button will become a new hobby for all their friends.
The Seasonal Fan
A fair-weather fan is someone who only supports the team when they’re winning. A seasonal fan, on the other hand, supports whatever sport others are interested in at the moment. You can find this person draping themselves in soccer scarves just in time for the World Cup they have never, ever expressed interest in before.
Whether it be the World Cup, Super Bowl, March Madness, or the international judo championships, this person will suddenly be cheering right alongside everyone else they have never discussed this deep-seated passion with before.
The Secret Keepers
These folks might hang out with The Religious Thankful, because they have an unspoken prayer request that only God can handle. Despite this realization, they’re going to still post about it multiple times a day in the vaguest terms possible.
Is it cancer? Trouble in their marriage? Knowledge of a looming terrorist attack? You’ll never know, because just as mysteriously as the very serious issue appeared in their lives, it will vanish without so much as a resolving mention.
The Culture Warrior
This person is angry as hell and they’re not going to take it anymore—and you’re going to know about it! What are they mad about? Could be anything today! Gays, lack of gays, Hobby Lobby, persecution of Hobby Lobby, guns, lack of guns, Hobby Lobby not carrying guns, gay people with guns, etc.
Everyone gets political now and then, but these people are the equivalent of street preachers ranting about the end times from a street corner. You look on in horror, but you try to avoid eye contact.
Have you heard about Throwback Thursday? Really, two years ago? Wow, that day you found out would probably make an excellent Throwback Thursday post!
These people live in the past, but not simply through nostalgia. They’re not keeping hope alive for a Fraggle Rock reboot—they’re keeping hope alive that they might be fifteen again. They’ll drag out every picture you wish burned in a fire and make sure to tag you in it. Your awkward middle-school phase is officially on again.
Think of the most redneck person you know and they probably fit this type. Their life is drama straight out of Game of Thrones or, more accurately, an episode of Degrassi.
This person can’t walk out their front door without someone betraying them. Their wife, kids, dog, mom, dermatologist, etc. are all out to get them. And guess what? They’re tired of mincing words about it—they know who their betrayers are and they will not be fooled again. Today.