Death panels are the clear solution to health care

by Justin on October 6, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Posted In: Blog

There’s been a lot of noise lately about health care in this country, and frankly I’m getting a little sick from it.  I thought about consulting my physician, but debate drain is not covered under my HMO.  And yes, that is the quality of joke I think this whole debate deserves.

I am routinely mystified by the manipulation of language we see in public debate.  No one considers themselves to be anti-choice or anti-life, but that’s exactly the dichotomy that the abortion debate sets up.  In the health care debate we’re told you’re either pro-freedom or pro-socialism by one side, while the other crows that you are either pro-health or pro-death.  I wonder if one can be a socialist and pro-death?  Personally, I’d like to spread death around a bit when it comes my time.  Maybe I’d get by with a simple maiming, instead. ↓ Read the rest of this entry…

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Where is my food pellet?

by Justin on September 29, 2009 at 10:23 pm
Posted In: Blog

I’m going to be blunt here–I need my food pellet. My cats never beat around the bush when it comes to food, and why should I? I need my dehydrated, condensed, food-product-pill supplement and I need it now! Surely science fiction hasn’t misled me, again?

Watch a few films about the future and you’ll notice the disturbing trend that all of our food has been replaced by virtual reality, Soylent Green, Taco Bell, or condensed food pellets (and I’m not entirely sure a few of those don’t overlap). Why is this? Why do we get to a stage in the future that we decide that chewing is just too much effort and decide we’ll go the pill route instead? This is to say nothing of the out datedness of a pill to begin with! Surely by the future we’ll have a patch, or maybe a once a month pill? You know the drug companies already have some marketing monkeys working on the ads for this. “Eat when it’s convenient for you. If eating lasts for more than four hours, please consult a physician.”

While I adore the act of eating, I do find all the intensity we focus towards it to be slightly distressing. There is an entire 24-hour network dedicated to food. Technically, we only eat to survive. Why is there no 24-hour breathing network? You know you’d tune in for Gill Week.

I think maybe it’s time we acknowledge food for what it is–one more thing to distract us from the stark realization that our daily existence has been made into a celebration of the most base survival instincts. We run races, build large homes, and eat like a high school football team on game night because we don’t have to worry about the basic issues of outrunning lions, finding shelter from the elements, and noshing on berries. We are trivial because we can be, and if not, what else could we be?

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Calves of intolerable cruelty

by Justin on September 24, 2009 at 10:33 pm
Posted In: Blog

I just removed a pack of ice from my lower leg. While normally this might be part of my “Attract Single Eskimo Women Night” plans, unfortunately tonight it was part of my “Ouch, Ouch, Stop Hurting Every Time I Apply Pressure” plan. While less fun, my wife seems to approve of the latter (might I add, more punishing) plan.

I did something last Sunday while jogging. I’d like to say I was running, but when snails are scooting past you one has to be honest with themselves. I’m not exactly sure what I did. It isn’t red and it hasn’t swelled a bit. I assume I pulled a tendon or muscle or something, but I’m no doctor. Humorously, some of my students have taken to referring to me as Dr. House in the meantime. It’s fun to laugh at the crippled.

Why is that? Why are some injuries funny, while others are not? For example, if putting things away after a visit to the grocery store, it is entirely likely I will drop something on my head trying to force it onto a high shelf. My wife laughs without fail every time this occurs. How does she know that bag of marshmallows didn’t cause a concussion? Trust me, you’d be surprised by the number of ER visits each year due to marshmallow concussions. Help us, Mr. Obama.

I can’t criticize her for it, either (at least not with a clear conscience). My wife stands nearly a foot shorter than me and I sometimes ask her to put things away on the top shelf just to watch the ensuing high jinks. This may make me a bad person, but it also makes me an entertained one. I’m not entirely sure where I’m comfortable drawing a line between those two.

So, I’ll take the laughs and finger pointing for this week while I heal up. I’ll be a man about it and not threaten to lower a student’s grade just because they ask me where Cuddy is. And next time I see someone drop a jar of pickles in the grocery store and then proceed to fall in the mess? I’ll laugh. But deep down, I’ll know it isn’t entirely funny–because I suffered more.

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The Internet is weird

by Justin on September 22, 2009 at 10:50 pm
Posted In: Blog

The Internet is weird. There, I said it. We were all thinking it. Yes, even you Uncle Carlos.

You know who doesn’t think the Internet is weird? Twelve-year-old boys. And nerds. And especially nerdy twelve-year-old boys. For them the Internet is a wonderful, endless I.V. drip straight to their collective Id. For the rest of us, though? Yeah, completely Batman’s Bat Ship insane (it’s insane because, what would Batman need with an entire ship, or God for that matter?).

While the Trekkies calm themselves over that last morsel of a reference, consider what this site alone experiences. Yesterday someone found the Professor Hobo site by searching “what hat does god wear.” I hope they found the relevant content…relevant. While I hardly think any of my thoughts are original enough to treasure for longer than the time this takes to post, I must admit to finding some deranged comfort in the fact that Professor Hobo is the Internet aficionado when it comes to God’s choice of headwear.

It tickles at my toes the possibility of writing something about what God wants you to do with all your earthly processions. This is likely sacrilegious, but only if I knowingly accepted said worldly processions. One could presume I simply posted it, and forgot it. I don’t know why people keep driving up and dropping off their antique armoires.

Publishing has always carried with it some weight of responsibility. You can’t libel and you can’t commit sedition–depending on which decade you might be operating under (I prefer the 1930s, myself). What you can do is affect a wide swath of people with minimal effort and, in the case of the Internet, reach them with the same low effort. That makes the Internet a weird place to publish for any but the least self-aware.

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In defense of marriage

by Justin on September 15, 2009 at 6:33 am
Posted In: Blog

I don’t know if you’ve been paying attention, but apparently marriage is under attack in this country. No, not by aliens or sea beasts, but by the type of people who shop at Crate and Barrel. Now, don’t get me wrong—those who shop at Crate and Barrel are people just like anyone else, but that doesn’t mean they should be allowed to get married.

The way I see it, if we allow Crate and Barrel shoppers to get married, who will be next? People who carry Louis Vuitton bags? Go see Broadway musicals? Or eat at Panera Bread rather than Subway? It’s a slippery slope, my friends. One solution is to pass a “Defense of Marriage” bill in Congress, but what all must we protect marriage from? I’ve made a list.

  • Crate and Barrel
  • alcohol
  • playboys
  • Playboy magazine
  • Louis Vuitton bags
  • neighborhood floozies
  • Broadway musicals
  • more alcohol
  • women under thirty
  • Panera Bread
  • Desperate Housewives
  • desperate housewives
  • pool boys
  • Angelina Jolie
  • the schwa
  • Key Parties
  • even more alcohol
  • Feminism

This is hardly a complete list, and I’m fairly sure that all kinds of acts of debasement are going on in any Ikea location that threaten marriage to its core, but it’s a start. The question then becomes how does such a law get enforced? If popular films have taught me anything (besides the value of a montage set to a retro pop song), it’s that when defending something there’s only one solution—guns.

Just watch From Dusk Till Dawn or Dawn of the Dead, and you’ll get a pretty clear picture of how marriage should be protected. Let’s round up marriage, take it to a mall, and surround it with common, everyday citizens who have no experience with firearms. Oh yeah, and then’s let give them guns. The staging point for this defense should probably be close by a Victoria’s Secret for obvious reasons. Marriage is going to need all the help it can get in this fight.

You may think I sound extremist in my concern, but I’m just someone who loves marriage. Now excuse me while I cut this short, but my wife will be home soon and I need to be outside working so she won’t bother me with the details of her day.

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