Am I normal for this?

by Justin on February 9, 2010 at 2:03 pm
Posted In: Blog

What qualifies as normal is one of the great mysteries of life. Everyone has little quirks that they’re just not that sure of. For example, do other men shave first before showering? I do, but if everyone else doesn’t I suppose it makes me abnormal.

The reflex is to shout, “There is no normal!” You know who says this? Weird people, and those suffering from Tourettes. Obviously there is weird and normal, or else you’d never nudge your friend and with a nod say, “Check out what that weirdo is wearing.” It’s called a bolo tie, and you’re going to be so sorry when they come back into style.

Anyway, I was thinking a cool web site would be one where everyone vents the things they think they might be weird about, just to see if someone else does it. Worried that it’s weird that your morning shower takes an hour? Post it and see how long everyone else takes.

I see two problems with this site. One, this is basically what Facebook already does. And two, what are the ramifications from finding out you truly are odd? I remember a friend in college being horrified to learn no one else put on as much deodorant as she did. That, of course, is minor, but what if you found out that everyone else thinks Lady Gaga looks like a man and this whole time you’ve had a crush?

So, how about you? What’s something you’re not so sure about?

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Having a manversation

by Justin on February 4, 2010 at 10:44 am
Posted In: Blog

Tough Guy: “Whether or not you stay or you go, it doesn’t matter—you’re already dead.”

Me: “Did you poison me?”

Annoyed Tough Guy: “What? No.”

Still Me: “Am I Bruce Willis?”

That small exchange of dialogue would be me in any given action film. Men in action films always have great tough dialogue, but even cooler is the abstract conversations they have with one another without any explanation. See, Tough Guy Alpha can tell Tough Guy Omega that the days of disco are slowly coming to a close, and Tough Guy Omega knows that means the orphans are stashed in the underwater train car. He just knows.

I don’t. During the middle of films I find myself asking, “How did he know that? How could he?” Tough guys are so sure of their mental telepathy that they use it to ask women out. Note the next time a date is made in a film if the man ever gives full details, such as day, time, or even bothers getting her number. More likely he just gives her a stern look and says, “Friday?” Most times she doesn’t even bother responding, except maybe with a nod. Why would she say anything? It’s all been said telepathically already. Asking a woman out was never that easy for me.

I think that’s why action films have so little dialogue. My wife is convinced it’s because men don’t want to hear a lot of talking, but instead just want to see things blow up. Not true. We love to hear men speak cryptically with one another, but beyond those few monosyllabic utterances we know they don’t need to talk anymore. So best get to shooting. Trust me, Jane Austen would have a lot more explosions in her stories if they featured more tough guys.

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Signs you did not win the Super Bowl

by Justin on January 21, 2010 at 10:19 am
Posted In: Blog

It seems to me that our culture is moving to a Super Bowl mentality. More everyday people seem like cogs in a PR machine, each touting every action as some grand shared accomplishment. Below are several accomplishments that should never be assumed shared.

1. “We won the Super Bowl last year, and we’re going to do it again!”

No, a team won the Super Bowl. You did not help. Unless you were on the field, you claim no credit in this.

2. “We’re having a baby.”

No, she’s having a baby. No man should ever claim ownership of this action. “We” may have gotten her pregnant, but your part of the process stopped there.

3. “We’re going to take back Washington!”

No, we’re going to stay home in Tulsa, or Spokane (in which case we’ve already taken Washington), or Mobile. You go take Washington, but I’ll have no part in it. I may vote for you, however.

4. “We’re all in this together.”

No, we’re not, or at least not most of the time. You’ll hear people use this in reference to tragedies, such as the recent earthquake in Haiti. They mean that we should help one another because life is rough and we all need help from time to time. Fine, then say that.

5. “We should look into this.”

No, Gill in accounting should. Business types use this, but what they really mean is one low-level peon will get stuck with the task that they will half-heartedly do it. The resulting report? Lost to the wind.

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Wishing competency upon my enemies

by Justin on January 14, 2010 at 1:53 pm
Posted In: Blog

This may sound strange, but I wish my enemies were more competent. A statement like this, of course, raises a couple of perfectly valid questions.

First, how do I know my enemies are not competent? If they were, don’t you think I’d be dead by now? I’m not talking people who simply don’t like me. Over the years I’ve accumulated plenty of those through school, work, family reunions, etc. But those people, at worst, simply have a passing interest in my personal failings—not an active role. Real enemies should want to personally see to my destruction, and frankly, they’re slacking on the job.

I’m perfectly healthy, minus that whole blind issue. Oh, and the heart murmur. And lately I’ve had some pain in my lower back. My career is fantastic! I’m thirty-years-old and a college professor teaching English—something I originally changed my major from because I saw it as a dead end. My creative work has earned a rabid fan following online where one can barely find room to squeeze in between the legion of Facebook fans who hang on every word out of a cartoon clown, cat, or gator’s mouth. 122 strong, baby!

So, if my enemies were competent I wouldn’t be nearly as successful and I’d probably be doing something far less stable, like hosting the Tonight Show.

Second, why would I wish for competent enemies? Intrigue. Look, in the spice rack of life, variety is like cumin. A little goes a long way, but would you really want Mexican food without it? If I get up every day and make it safely back and forth to work with few encounters with freeze rays, or weather modulators, or even trained ninja assassins—how am I to know how good I’ve got it? When I’m strolling back from the mailbox admiring the huge pile of Professor Hobo royalty checks I sent myself as hopeful affirmation, I want to be there in the moment wondering if that black GMC van is really plotting to run me down, or just my neighbor Carl’s A-Team fetish taken to its logical conclusion.

There’s supposedly an ancient Chinese curse that says, “May you live in interesting times.” In reality, no Chinese person has probably ever said this, but instead it was some poor schmuck wishing for a few days of unrest. I suspect Gary Larson.

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A man’s Christmas journey through a woman’s world

by Justin on January 2, 2010 at 12:00 am
Posted In: Blog

Now that Christmas has passed I can write more freely about the shopping process. In particular, the process of shopping for my wife. See, while Santa might give parents a break, childless married men are left to fend for themselves in shopping for their wives. Worse, without children we’re expected to devote extra thought to our wives’ gifts. This is our story.

Upon arriving in Pittsburgh I realized my Christmas buffet of presents perhaps wasn’t quite up to measure yet with the parade of boxes from Amazon.com being delivered to my wife. She’d nonchalantly point out that just because she had ordered a lot of boxes didn’t mean there would be a lot of presents, but if memory serves Amazon isn’t in the business of piecemeal presents. I was worried. So off to the Waterfront and Shadyside shopping districts I go.

One of the first stops was Ann Taylor. Or maybe it was Ann Taylor Loft, or Ann Taylor Hovel, or Ann Taylor Studio Apartment. Look, all I know is Ann has lots of places to lay her head at night. Upon entering, a very friendly looking woman greeted me and asked, “Are you shopping for your wife or girlfriend?” At this point I don’t know if this is a real question or not. Why would it matter which I was shopping for? And if I’m not shopping for one of those two, who does she think I’m shopping for? Mother? Sister? Myself? I can’t imagine Ann Taylor is particularly high on the trany shopping index, and what difference would mother or sister make from wife or girlfriend? This isn’t exactly Victoria’s Secret, you’re not going to be directing me toward the flannel pajamas and away from the garter belts.

The other possibility is that she thinks I might shop differently based on whether it’s my wife or my mistress. Does one lavish your mistress to keep her quiet, or your wife to keep her oblivious? Either way one of the two is getting hosed more than normally (that’s not dirty) and Ann Taylor is sacrificing sales for some unwritten code of adultery that I’m obviously to honest to have been clued in on. That’s the anxiety I feel just stepping foot in the store. Can you imagine prolonged shopping assistance?

Worse still were the clerks at Banana Republic who assumed I knew exactly what I was doing. I suppose they do sell men’s clothing, but that was one floor down, hidden away in a damp basement of the store. No, I was browsing through sweaters when a young woman approached me to alert me to their sales. Very polite and informative, that is until she started explaining the different sweaters to me. “This one is a lycra cotton wool blend.” What? It’s both cotton and wool? Is that scientifically sound? I’m not the kind of guy who grunts at the mere mention of fashion. I walk into a store keenly aware of my wife’s sizes and likes and dislikes. No, she cannot and will not wear a size 14 pea-green burka. However, when you combine lycra, cotton, and wool into one fabric I’m having a difficult time keeping up with the class. I’m imagining a sheep from Mississippi dancing to Olivia Newton-John’s “Physical.” At which point I’m as helpless as my toddler nephew randomly pointing in the direction of sweaters and shouting, “Blue!”

Did my wife eventually get a present? Yes. Though, the fabric make up of it I cannot recall.

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