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Elf on the Shelf Exposed

How something like Elf on the Shelf becomes a “Christmas tradition” overnight befuddles me. I get that it’s heavy marketing, but I talk to people who act like they grew up with it as a tradition, which doesn’t seem possible. I suspect something sinister is rewriting people’s minds. No, not Obama–Hallmark. ↓ TranscriptJIMMY: I don't like that Elf on the ... Read More »

How Santa Does It

Internship would also work as a substitute here, but there’s always a way to get free labor out of students. I suspect Santa is running an online university of some kind. University of North Pole? Kringle College? ↓ TranscriptHOBO: Santa, you really travel all over the world delivering presents to all the boys and girls? SANTA: Ho ho ho! Yep. ... Read More »

Teddy Bear Love

I have rarely known someone to actually act this way, but my wife does complain that my video background makes me unable to enjoy anything video related in a film (zoom and enhance). So when I say rarely, I mean myself. Don’t buy me episodes of CSI as gifts. ↓ TranscriptTREY: Merry Christmas! VICTORIA: Aww, a sweet teddy bear! TEDDY: ... Read More »

Christmas Comes Too Early

Every year Christmas comes a little bit earlier, and it seems to be with a little more force each year. I suspect by the time my nephews are grown it will start in July. ↓ TranscriptHOBO: No, I am not putting up the Christmas decorations! I haven't even finished my leftovers! HOBO: Umm, did Walmart send you? Read More »

Christmas for Cats

We always buy our cats some catnip and a toy for Christmas. They almost always get more enjoyment from leftover wrapping paper and empty boxes. There’s probably a lesson on consumerism here. ↓ TranscriptHOBO: It took me all morning, but I finally put away all your Christmas presents,... HOBO: ...picked up all the torn wrapping paper and boxes,... HOBO: ...and ... Read More »

A Kitten Christmas

Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Awesome Kwanzaa! Enjoy the holidays, folks. ↓ TranscriptMITTENS: What do you want? KITTEN: Excuse me, Santa Claws, but I'd like a saucer of milk! MITTENS: Beat it! I see children only, because their parents tip. KITTENS: Please? My mom abandoned me and I'm ever so hungry. Read More »

The Economics of Christmas

I’m all for starting educating young, but sometimes people get a bit silly about it. It isn’t that complex economic models don’t matter, it’s just that for a little kid they’re simply not going to make sense, even if mentally they’re capable of understanding the basic concept. Teach them about dinosaurs, poetry, and basic chemistry, instead. ↓ TranscriptKID: Santa Claws, ... Read More »

Santa Claws

Christmas is wonderful, but it sure is stressful with all kinds of things that can go horribly wrong. One such thing that can go horribly wrong is dressing your pets up for the holidays. It isn’t that anything in particular will happen, but it’s more that you simply never should do this. Just like most people should only play Dance ... Read More »

Santa Versus Mario

Some child waking Christmas morning to find Santa dead from head trauma might just be the most horrible moment for the rest of their lives. Remember that scene in Gremlins where Phoebe Cates describes finding Santa dead in her chimney? It scarred an entire generation just hearing that story. For shame, Super Mario. ↓ TranscriptJIMMY: Rick, what are you doing ... Read More »