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Tag Archives: Evil Beard

Thanksgiving Realities

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Thanksgiving is a wonderful and happy holiday. Like most wonderful and happy things in life, one shouldn’t probably think too much about it. Happy Thanksgiving. ↓ TranscriptKLOWNUS: Yay, let's all eat to celebrate when we stole the land of Native Americans and committed genocide against them! HOBO: I suppose each year we also basically commit a holocaust against turkeys in ... Read More »

Virtual Education

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Back around the early to mid-90s when virtual reality technology was really taking off I remember people talking about kids sitting at home and taking classes virtually. I guess that did eventually happen with online education, but thank goodness it doesn’t involve helmets. ↓ TranscriptCZAR: Behold the future of education--virtual reality! With these systems we can convert every building on ... Read More »

College Rankings Mysteries

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Somehow every college and university in the country is ranked among the best in some category. How does this work? One supposes if you make the category narrow enough, eventually you do become the best in it. This is the first lesson students learn in college. ↓ TranscriptCZAR: The new rankings came out and we're the seventh best in the ... Read More »

Faking It

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This is an actual question asked in the classroom. Evil Beard’s first response is a common answer to it. The Hamlet quoting is just a bit of fun. Maybe what faculty wish they would say. ↓ TranscriptBEARD: And so that's why we still have many of Shakespeare's plays today. RICK: Professor, how do you know all this stuff? BEARD: ...I ... Read More »

Look Away From the Light

I’d like to believe the complexity and ingenuity of class pranks increased with the course difficulty. Alas, this is usually not the case. ↓ TranscriptJIMMY: Professor, could you point out which equation you're talking about? SCIENCE: Fine, I'll just use my laser pointer here... SCIENCE: Oh dear... SCIENCE: And that is why you never point a laserpointer at someone's eye ... Read More »

Probably Hackers

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I like to pretend there’s a masked army of hackers constantly causing all of the problems with my technology. Playstation controller battery dead? Must have been hackers. Automatic door into grocery store out of order? Hackers! ↓ TranscriptHOBO: Why is my computer running so slow? MOLE: Someone probably hacked it. BEARD: I can't connect to the Internet. TROLL: Probably one ... Read More »

Beyond the Apex

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Listen in to any motivational speaker if you need evidence that language is malleable and not set in stone. They’re constantly redefining words in goofy ways. Sometimes, like with apex, they even stick. Yes, I have heard people proclaim they will soar past their apex. Apparently they will invert themselves somehow, I suppose. ↓ TranscriptBEARD: You can't make someone taller ... Read More »

Small Man Syndrome

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Sometimes all of your problems are simply in your mind. Sometimes you’re just short. Sometimes your mind is short. Sometimes you’re short minded. Yep, there’s something deep and philosophical there. Go ahead, dig around. You’ll find it eventually. ↓ TranscriptCOACH T: As a certified life coach I can make you better at whatever you want. BEARD: I'd like to be ... Read More »

Life Coach

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I admit it–I don’t understand the concept of a life coach. I’m sure they provide a valuable service to some people, but the usefulness escapes me. Every time I hear the term I think of Bob Newhart telling patients to just stop what they’re doing. Can you really make money doing so? ↓ TranscriptHOBO: Coach, how was your summer? COACH ... Read More »

Unseemly Things

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This is basically how most professors, even those not in the humanities, view their jobs. Find the unseemly, and expose it to impressionable young minds. ↓ TranscriptCZAR: We installed monitoring software on your computers so we can be sure you're not visiting any unseemly websites. BEARD: That seems like a violation of trust. HOBO: Besides, we're academics! You pay us ... Read More »