Girl, Wash Your Hands: They’re Covered in Someone Else’s Blood

A brief preview of the new book.

Table of Contents

1. The Lie: I’m Bad at Cultural Appropriation
2. The Lie: Material Processions Don’t Define Me
3. The Lie: My Children Aren’t Extensions of Myself
4. The Lie: I Don’t Matter
5. The Lie: I Don’t Know What That Sexual Position Is
6. The Lie: I Weigh Less Than Janet But More Than Cindy
7. The Lie: Me Drinking at Ten in the Morning is a Problem
8. The Lie: I’m Slurrring Mai Wurdz
9. The Lie: My Ass Looks Hot in These Jeans, Not
10. The Lie: I Can’t Scrapbook
11. The Lie: Girl, I Can Stop Saying Girl Anytime I Please, Girl
12. The Lie: Saying Girl is Simply an Affectation—I Don’t Talk Like this with My Friends
13. The Lie: I Don’t Have Friends—Didn’t I Mention Janet and that Skinny Bitch, Cindy?
14. The Lie: This Book is About You and Not Me
15. The Lie: INSERT TITLE LATER

Introduction
Hey Girl, Hay!

Just the other day I found myself at the feed store buying come corn for our free-range chickens, because we’re so down to earth like that. We raise our own chickens and eggs! We then eat the eggs, but not the chickens. We raise more eggs from them. On Saturday mornings I sell the extra eggs from my roadside stand called Hey Girl, Hay Here! We also sell our extra hay, if that wasn’t clear.

Anyway, I was at the feed store when I saw my old high school friend, Melissa. I yelled “Hey girl!” at her, but the hay girl thought I was calling for her. She bounced over in her very cute overalls and straw hat. She was rocking that Huck Finn look! I then explained to her that I was yelling at my friend Melissa, and not her. I didn’t need any hay because we had plenty at home. So much, in fact, that I sell the extra hay at my roadside stand on Saturday mornings along with our extra eggs from the chickens we raise. Still, it was a pleasure to meet her, so I said, “Hey Hay Girl, would you like a signed promotional headshot?” Before she could even answer, bam it was in her hand!

That’s just how I like to give back. God may have blessed me with amazing looks, loads of money, and an amazing fan following, but I still remember where I came from. I’m just a small-town gal who spends $900 on shoes! So, I like to give back via my amazing words, which you’ve purchased in this book. Now, they’re not just my words, but words of mine you can read over and over again! When you’re done reading them, you can go to my website, or one of my retreats, or buy my cookbook, or all sorts of other ways to get more of my words that I’m giving back to you for the MSRP. Hey girl, this book is for you!